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Transgender Friendly Places - Club Heaven, London

Being that I'm soon to depart for foreign shores for some time, a big night out was in order so I decided to check out what is billed as the "The World's Most Famous Gay Club" - London's Heaven in Charing Cross.


One of Heaven's more well known regulars is gay comedian Graham Norton

Before going I actually spoke to one of the organisers. I don't mind being the only TGirl in the building so long as I'm not offending people, but I was assured that Saturday night, the busiest night of the week was the best night for us as there would be "all sorts" arriving for the weekend party. Well, that was good enough for me... She who dares wins right?

The old she who dares wins thing is a bit of philosophy for me. Being that Heaven is a full on dance club I decided I needed some extra care for my makeup so I headed for the BeneFit counter! The girl there was so helpful; in my experience most cosmetic counter girls are happy to help Trannies so long as you don't come across as creepy. And girl did she sort me out! I ended up with three club girl essentials:

  1. Clear Lip Gloss - Instant plastic lips in a tube! And it stays even after drinks and cigarettes, so no worries about getting BJ lips halfway through the night!

  2. Dr. FeelGood - Not really a powder or a foundation, but bye-bye to fine lines and shine!

  3. She-Laq - Super glue for make up, She Laq is like varnishing your face! One coat and even if the fire brigade were to hose you down, you'll still be looking perfect!

Nicola arrived and we spent the next few hours getting ready, trying on every outfit I have and ragging the perfume. By 10pm we should've gone! By 11pm we were speeding down the motorway, stereo blearing! Heaven allows you "Queue Jumper" tickets if you book online - these are half price and a real good idea if you don't fancy lining the streets of Charing Cross in your favourite short skirt while waiting to get in. The only proviso is that you must be there before 12 to use them.

As London would typically have it, we were stuck in traffic jam on the A4 at 12... at 1am we were tearing round and round one way systems... by 1.30 we were getting really cheesed off... we'd been through Charing Cross and taken a wrong turning onto what appeared to be the Magical Mystery Tour of the Thames! Next time I'm gonna bring a guy who knows how to read a map!

Finally we reached the world reknown Savoy Hotel, a few minutes walk from the club. Whilst I'm comfortable with the confusion I cause, I do typically tend not to court difficult situations. However this was getting bad. We were over an hour late and my bladder was about to rupture! So I drove up to the doorman and asked him where we could park. His reply was of the type that made all the hassle worth while.

"You're gorgeous!" he started. "Park anywhere along here and it'll be free all night for you!"

Wow, I love the Savoy!

After parking came the obligatory upright peeing against the wall in full view of the security cameras... Well, what did you expect from the best dressed gender terrorist in town?!

A short walk down several busy main roads and me and Nicola had left behind more compliments to enter Heaven. The doorman was real kind and let us in despite our being late. Quite different from you average TGirl club, Heaven is a full-on dance club with three rooms in effect. There is the main dance floor which has a stage and balcony, complete with hunky dancers. Arches around the main hall make chill areas and it is seriously hot inside! You'll need to put your coat in the cloakroom, in fact it'd be a good idea to check your handbag in too, else you might be little more than a puddle of sweat by the end of the night. The music in the main hall is real loud too, mostly hard house and uplifting trance with the odd gay anthem thrown in.


Shoulder to shoulder at Heaven, London

Upstairs there is a second upbeat dance hall, this being more euphoric. Slightly less crowded this room is real popular with the lesbians and girls who really want to dance the night away!

Lastly there's an RnB room for those more chill party goers, quiet enough to chat, yet noisy and busy enough for you not to be noticed if you were necking in a corner...

Me and Nicola had a real scream at Heaven. And that was despite the fact that we arrived late, we were two of only five TGirls in the house and that a round for two came to over £7!!! On the whole the crowd was really good fun - contrary to popular myth, most gay guys don't go for TGirls, disliking anything that looks like a woman, so don't expect to be harrassed. Wear Y-Fronts if you want that! Only a smaller percent of gays will go for TGirls, according to my friend Tammy, 1 in 10 men are gay, but only 1 in 100 are Trans. It therefore follows that only 1 in 1,000 are gay or bi TGirls. Yes, yes, I'm completely rare I know!

It's always worth preparing a few answers in your mind before you go out for the first time too. For instance, one of the guys who kept talking to me was Charlie and me and Nicola were the first transexuals he'd ever met. Naturally the range of questions that followed were quite frank - like do you have a dick, are your breasts real and can I touch them?! Be prepared to answer some full on questions and be open about yourself.

The night continues till 6am but we left at around 4 as we were doing too well for guys! You know you've done well when they start queing outside the ladies toilets for you! All in all, we had a brilliant time. We got chatted up loads, we got compliments on the way to the club, at the club and on the way home, we had a good dance and there was no uneasiness at all once we were in the club. It's that kinda place, there are guys getting off with guys, guys getting off with girls, girls getting off with girls and just enough in betweenies to add chaos to it all! If you are young or passable enough to walk down Northumberland Avenue in dress or just plain mental, Heaven really is worth seeing and with a group of you you'll have a wail of a time. At the moment, it's my number one club in the UK.

Oh, just as a slight aside, I got home at about 7am and looked in the mirror. Despite sweating like pig on a BBQ and having to fight off one over-enthusiastic gentleman who insisted on licking my face all over, my make up was still as pristine as when I left home! The She-Laq varnish was worth every penny!

Heaven Review:

  • Type: Gay, Lesbian & Transgender Club
  • Location: Charing Cross, London
  • Entry: £12 or £6 with a "queue jumper" ticket
  • Facilities: Three dance floors, five bars, hot stage dancers
  • Plus Points: A major party vibe, easy going crowd, noticable abscence of trouble
  • Minus Points: Very intense for a night out, you may need to walk down main streets or take the tube to get there, no reasonably priced local hotels
  • Overall Rating: 9 out of 10

 

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